Eucatastrophe
by TenraiTsukiyomi
Summary: Humanity dodges the biggest bullet in its existence when Kibutsuji Muzan turns out to actually be a (somewhat) Decent Human Being. Crack. Hints of YoriichixMuzan.


**Summary: Humanity dodges the biggest bullet in its existence when Kibutsuji Muzan turns out to actually be a (somewhat) Decent Human Being. Crack. Hints of YoriichixMuzan.**

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**The Healer**

The Healer arrives unheard in the middle of winter, during one of Ubuyashiki Muzan's worst episodes.

He doesn't give a name, but the smallest siblings of the Ubuyashiki Family had bestowed upon the Healer the name of_ Kizu-chan_. The Healer had accepted the childish title with the gentle grace of a man humouring a child with the Patience of Saints, and he was thus bestowed "Kizu".

Muzan _kindly_ bestows upon him the epithat of "Fucking Sketchiest Piece of Shit Healer He Has Ever Met", or "Go Burn in Hell and Stop Seducing My Family".

If you didn't get the sarcasm: Muzan _loathes_ Healer Kizu.

(The biggest joke in his life is that his Family absolutely _loves_ him.)

Muzan is unconscious when he comes, wrought with a high fever and cold sweat and rough coughs, and so very near death his elegant and dearest Mother had openly wept at his bedside.

He survives thanks to Healer Kizu's miraculous medicine, in the end, and sometimes Muzan wishes he hadn't.

Healer Kizu's face is the first thing he sees upon regaining consciousness. It's soft and gentle, kindness and goodness emcompassed in the creases of his face, the picture-perfect face of a man he knows his Big Sister has been pinning for, the perfect face of a mesiah of heavens, and Muzan hates him.

Through the loud sobbings of his Mother and the screeching scoldings of his Sisters and Brothers, Muzan stares at the face of the smiling Healer Kizu and immediately thinks: _What a fucking sketchy piece of shit._

Instant dislike.

Suspicion.

Caution.

Certainly, Ubuyashiki Muzan has absolutely zero rights to be judging someone when he is a piece of shit himself, but something about Healer Kizu has rubbed him the wrong way ever since that day in the cold nights of winter.

For one, he is always smiling.

Two, he is always smiling.

Three,_ he is always **fucking smiling**_.

Truly, Healer Kizu's smile makes Muzan feel like a thousand little crawlers are under his skin, makes all the hair on his body stand on end, and there's no fucking way he would ever be left alone with him.

No, he isn't fucking scared of him, he just has a healthy amount of caution against a person that somehow has convinced his entire Family - including that traitor Mitsuya who should have been the most suspicious of them all - that he is the Son of Buddha or some other bullshit like that.

He is sick and ill and short-lived, but Ubuyashiki Muzan is still one of the Heirs of the Ubuyashiki Family. He has dignity, he has intelligence, he is _Ubuyashiki Muzan._

He might be sick, and ill, and physically weak, but he is intelligent and he will not fall for the deceitful tricks of a mere peasant.

He isn't scared of a puny, petty, weak Healer.

He _isn't_.

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Muzan: "..."

"Muzan, please don't be unreasonable."

The third daughter of the Ubuyashiki Family, Nyoha, easily and gently pries off the (surprisingly) near-iron grip her little brother has on her sleeve. She ignores his expression of pure betrayal, hidden behind the layer of pride and haughtiness that she's so familiar with. It makes Nyoha melt on the inside a little - her little brother is so pesky and insensitive and so rude, but it's cute and charming in its own way - but she still pries him off, plops him on the futon correctly and effortlessly, and turns to Healer Kizu with a bright smile.

"I will be leaving him in your care, Healer Kizu. Please don't mind his manners, he has always been a bit rude..."

"I do not mind," Healer Kizu reassures with a kind, benevolent, and absolutely handsome smile.

_Oh my._

Muzan watches with a little mix of betrayal and disbelief as his normally headstrong Sister is shooed away tactfully.

The worst of it all is that she had taken his three kitchen knives and his sharpened fork. Muzan would be lying to himself if he said he didn't felt any sort of betrayal at that.

Muzan: "..."

She must have been adopted. She must have been.

He doesn't want to acknowledge such traitorous and dumb Sister.

"Well now, shall we start with your check up, Young Master?" Healer Kizu hums as he turns back to the sick young man. His smile is eternal on his face and as creepy as ever.

Muzan bristles at him with a near snarl.

If anything, it makes Healer Kizu smile _brighter_.

"Now Young Master, I have a new medicine here that will help you..."

Had Muzan been able to move, he would've gotten up and walked out of the room that instant.

(He is not fucking scared, okay.)

But alas, Young Master Muzan can only watch with wide eyes as the Healer turns to him with a bright smile and a cup of foul medicine in hand.

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Three days later, Muzan starts getting better and even gets on his two feet.

It is almost a dream come true, until it isn't.

He also almost eats a servant and accidentally is nearly burnt to death.

_Literally._

The Healer has also vanished, and despite the manhunt the Ubuyashiki's have sent out, his whereabouts become completely unknown.

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Fucking Sketchy Piece of Shit Healers.

If he ever meets that Bastard ever again, Muzan swears he will kill him in the most painful way possible.

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**This has been stuck in my mind ever since I entered the huge abyss that is Kimetsu no Yaiba. I couldn't help but think, had Kibutsuji Muzan been, you know, actually a decent human being, his entire life would have been Fucking Hilarious.**

**What sort of fandom doesn't have that CRACK about the biggest bad guy in the story? There's ****always that trope of "end-game villain crack" in every fandom, so I really wanted this to exist. Muzan is an asshole but goddamn it, I live for crack, I will not be denied the image of Muzan having an immortal lifespan and be so fucking done with everything in life. **

**~TenraiTsukiyomi 3**


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